she says " i wanna feel beautiful"

I've been watching Youtube videos, mostly of girls that posted their own BA experiences. They have been super helpful and very informative. But one of them caught my attention, and not in a good way.

It's of a very young, super skinny girl sitting on her bed, talking to the internet world. She's pretty, and her voice is soft, and sounds sad. She spends about ten minutes explaining her viewpoint and her pre op experience. As it rolls to an end she says something that almost makes me cry:

"I just wanna feel beautiful".

Here's the deal: I DO feel beautiful. Honestly, I have never questioned that. I've been blessed with a very loving family, who never stopped believing in me and showering me with affection even during our rough patches. I learned early on that confidence comes from within, and I also have a personal faith that has shown me that there is something more than what we find to be our ups and downs. Even my relationships, failed and successful, have done their part to make me confident in myself in one way or another.

Yes, I have my days where I look in the mirror and I want to scream, or when I try to put on my "skinny jeans" and I can't get them past my ass. I have felt the depression of comparing myself to the magazines and realizing that no matter how airbrushed they are I still reaaaaallly want to look like that. Even when I'm fully made-up I still deal with hormones and mood swings that tend to tell your senses that you're a hot mess and you deserve to crawl under your covers and never come out of bed you ugly-ass-hoe!

But I know that beauty is not skin deep. I know that feeling beautiful is not based on what you see with your eyes. When you truly feel beautiful it's a state of mind, not a state of hair-makeup-body-tits-ass.

I don't want to be thought of as the girl that I saw on that video. I am not doing this to make myself complete. The sad part is, no matter how she felt then, her BA wasn't ultimately going to make her feel that way either.

My heart was almost breaking for her. I understand to a point, but part of me wants to find and punch the person/thing/whatever that made her feel so worthless. It's not fair that the women of our generation are forced to believe that their image makes or breaks them.

I am doing this because I want to, but not because I need to. And there is a big difference.

I only hope she can find what she's looking for...