Second day

The pain is still pretty bad. I'm highly medicated and yet am so uncomfortable. My friend has been helping to keep me on track with my rx and I've been starving so she keeps feeding me.

When I have a chance ill go over how my day went yesterday but I'm really tired still.

I keep looking down and seeing them. Everything I read about other people's experience is true, I really don't know how I feel about them now. They don't look big enough, even though my friend says she doesn't think I could go any bigger. I also feel like they are super far appart and not as projected as the ones I tried on.

I still haven't taken my bra or tight garments off yet. I'm scared. But I need to soon to check my incisions.

I can't wait until I can walk normal and not feel this pain!

Pain

The battle of life is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honor. If there were no difficulties there would be no success; if there were nothing to struggle for, there would be nothing to be achieved. -Samuel Smiles

I'm in so much feakin pain.

Phone Call

It's official! The surgical coordinator called me today with my official time of surgery. I'm scheduled first thing as I asked (I get queezy if I don't eat) and have to be there at 6:30 am for my 8:00 am "going under" time. God bless my friend!

She reminded me to stop all eating and drinking after midnight tonight and also to make sure I wear something comfortable. I'm not worried, I bought this cute extra large purple zip up hoodie that's extremely soft and a pair of stretchy yoga pants just for the occasion! I'll look adorable, it's too bad I won't be awake most of tomorrow to notice LOL.

I did everything I needed to yesterday, thank god, and now I'm working on my to-do list today. It's so strange to think that in less than a day everything is going to be different! I really doubt I'll be getting much sleep from now until then...

When I went to weigh-in last night, I was down 2 pounds from last week. I'm thinking it's because I put myself on this strict diet for the last two weeks in order to be ready. It's good, because my weight has been a roller coaster since I started WW. I'm down a total of 12 pounds though, which is only 4.6 away from my target weight. If this procedure doesn't put on too much and I keep up my good eating, I should have that done by summer time. Yay for finally having a bikini worthy body!!!

It finally feels real...

Before?

I am 100% reminded why I am doing this surgery. What an eye opener. If I freak out at all on Friday, I better freakin remember how I feel right now.

I went to take before pictures of myself like I mentioned I was going to. OMG. I could barely look at them. Honestly, I have never really seen myself naked on a frozen still before. Thank GOD because I'd probably throw myself off a bridge. Sounds extreme, but trust: it's kinda what I was thinking.

Now, I realize that I always dress extremely fast when I get ready every day. If nothing else, I always have to have a shirt on or my bra to feel comfortable. I've always felt awkward but now I'm feeling something much stronger. First of all, I look like a little child. Plus they are extremely uneven and I've never really noticed how low down my nipples are positioned. I'm really not sure why I've ever felt sexy. NOT that my breasts and stomach are all there are to feeling hot, it's just that it's such a huge part of what you see.

Needless to say, I will not be posting the pictures like I thought I would. My doctor can have hers and I'm going to lock mine away for eternity. I may actually delete them all one day.

I am soooo excited now. Can't wait to take my afters. They better be worth alllll of the photos in the world (:

Two more days

The anxiety has calmed a bit, but the drama continues. Every day something happens that get's my blood going to some extent and I can't help but long for this week to be over. The anticipation is almost killing me. I have no patience.

I've been trying to fight off exhaustion, sickness and additional panic attacks. My glands keep teasing me as if I'm about to get sick, and my face/body is covered in stress acne. I've been testy with the boy I nanny for in the mornings and when I get home I can't focus so I tend to waste my precious time. Even my bathroom schedule that is usually so on point has been way messed up. As much pain as I know I'll be in after Friday AM, I'm actually longing for the week of being forced to do nothing but sleep and sleep [and watch TV] and sleep.

I did all six loads of every piece of laundry that I could find last night, today I have to go food shopping and tomorrow I'm going to clean my apartment from top to bottom. I had the intention to cook a bunch of meals and freeze them but I think I'll just get simple food that can be microwaved instead. I'm still overwhelmed and don't know if I have the energy. I am going to dye my hair tonight still, simply because I know it'll need to be done within the next few weeks if I don't and I really don't want to pay to have my hairdresser do it.

Yesterday I had a nurse from the doctor's office call me and give me an oral health interview. She asked me all the questions I'd answered before, but it didn't bother me. She told me to start washing in an antibacterial body wash and I told her I had started that already. I thought it was strange that she told me I have to remove my piercings because supposedly something they use while I'm under could cause any metal in me to burn my skin. I'm hoping that my nose ring doesn't close up but I'm going to attempt to use my plastic insert that I've used waitressing and hopefully that will do.

The schedule/to-do-list that I put myself on has been working well, keeping me reminded of all the things I can and cannot do. The vitamins that I've been on for about a week and a half have been pretty simple to remember, I just take them with my meals. It's the Arnica that I'm supposed to take 3-4 times a day now that I keep forgetting. I can't take it with meals so I have to remember independently and it's been difficult. I recommend that if you're able to do it like I did, take everything you read/get from your doctor [or other sources that you trust] and everything you need to remember and put it in one place so you can constantly be looking at it. (I made a calendar and wrote out each point to remember for the two weeks before and two weeks afterwards.) That was most helpful when I went to WalMart on Monday and got all of the before and after care products I need to have handy.

I haven't been to the gym in a week or so and I'm used to going 3+ times a week. I think in my head I realize that I have to quit for about a month soon anyway so I don't have any motivation. But I really wanted to tan so I think I'm going to go today. I'm not sure I can do that either afterwards because of all my incisions.Tonight would be my last weigh-in at WW but I'm also not really feeling going all the way up for that either. It would be nice to know my final weight before I add and subtract haha. Who knows, maybe I'll come out even!

Today my goal is to take some "before" pictures in a bathing suit that I feel has the chance to semi fit me after the surgery and post some shots here. (Headless of course, wink wink). It's the strangest concept that what I see when I'm naked in the mirror right now is NEVER going to be seen again. Not that I mind, but it's still the only thing I've known so it's a little sad in a way. I get nostalgic over the silliest things...

42 hours and counting...

Anxiety

I'm a basket of nerves.
 
It's almost like I woke up this AM and it hit me. Hard. No, not the fact that it's happening. I'm not even nervous about the results. It's more like I'm just not sure...and that's it.

Now I know why everyone writes about taking a Valium before they go.

I dealt with personal bullsh*t over the weekend and I feel like it propelled the anxious feelings into full effect. I had been doing so well. People would ask me how I felt and I would answer that I was excited and ready. Now I can barely breathe. Paper bag anyone?

If I had any advice at this moment, it would definitely be to take the week before to not only prepare but also clear your head. I can't imagine taking this feeling into surgery on Friday and knowing that makes it even worse.

My friend who is taking care of me right after (I have to have someone with me at least the full 24 hours after) told me she's worried I'll freak out afterwards. I was so convinced that she was crazy, but now I'm wondering. Will all these emotions come puking up in her face? She's not going to know how to handle me. It's already such a big deal that she's going to be there for me afterwards, I can't bare the thought of putting that pressure on her.

It's at the point now that I feel the need to cause a meltdown...cry my eyes out, throw things, yell and scream, whatever it would take to release the pressure that's building inside me. It's relentless.

This is supposed to be the part where I skip around with joy and take short breaths of excitement every time I think about what's about to happen. Something I've been waiting for so long. I'm not sure how I allowed my personal drama to get like this right before one of the biggest days of my life. Now I have no idea where my anxiety is stemming from. Does everyone feel like this right before or is it just me?

I'm angry with the pit of my stomach right now. It needs to shape up.

Alright, seriously, where is that paper bag???

Changes and Preparations

I'm working 24/7 to get everything ready for next week. It's a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. There are sooo many things to get in order considering the fact that I won't have the chance to do much of anything for about a month after.

I've made myself a very detailed calendar with everything that I need to do everyday. They have me on a bunch of herbs and vitamins that I have to take everyday so it's helping keep me on track. I don't want to forget anything so this can go as smooth as possible.

When I was at my final consultation last week, I decided to do something a little bit drastic: I added Lipo of my abdomen to the "to do list".

I've always wanted to do it, and was planning on just doing it down the road. But after talking to my doctor and also going over the finances, it just makes way more sense to do it at the same time. It will save me a crap load of money and then I only have to do the recovery time once.

Don't get worried, it's not a new addiction. It just needs to be done. Even my doctor said it was a must, because it's only a little but it will make a huge improvement and along with the BA it will make everything come together fantastic.

So now, on top of all the other things I need to get ready, I also need to be mentally prepared to wear a binding garment for 4-6 weeks and REALLY limiting my activity...

Bloodwork

I thought I was brilliant. Think again.

Part of the packet that the doctor's assistant sent me included a script for a basic cbc. I guess they want to make sure I'm healthy, not pregnant, that sort of thing. The only problem is I don't have insurance so I wasn't sure how to go about doing it. My good friend told me to budget about 800 dollars. Ouch.

Ok, I got to thinking and this is what came to my mind. For reasons that I care not to go into, because they are long and boring and quite maddening, I need to get new life insurance. Part of getting a new policy includes getting blood work done. When I talked to my boss, I asked what was done during the blood work. He said it was nothing more than just a basic cbc. Perfect. Let the insurance company pay for it.

Or not. When I got the results yesterday, I noticed that they look different from previous lab work I had done. I faxed it to the nurse and confirmed that yes, it was true: it was a no go. NOT a CBC.

So now I am a week before my surgery, and needing my blood work done asap. Currently I am sitting in the hospital waiting for a nurse to come in draw my blood. Again.

I hate needles. I hate spending money.

This coming event is definitely bringing light to the words "beauty is pain"...

Bed

I'm laying in my bed contemplating all of the millions of things I still have to do before the big day that's fast approaching...

I keep putting on my to-do list that I need to get a solid plan down on paper but it keeps getting put off. It's really not very smart of me to do so any longer. Especially since my final consult is in less than a week and I need to be prepared with every last question imaginable so I'm all set.

Now I can't sleep, even though I really need to. Imagining the idea, or rather very near reality, of trying to sleep for a month propped up halfway isn't helping either. Oh the joys of a breast augmentation! I can only tell myself this will all be worth it very soon...

Free to drink, YAY!

I spoke with my doctor's nurse today. I was so worried when I got the packet that the patient coordinator sent me (more on that later) and read that I have to stop drinking alcohol for two weeks before the surgery.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not an alcoholic by any means. However, this month there are two weekends that had me concerned: St. Patrick's Day and my girl's sister's birthday.

I am all about having to be the DD if necessary. But I really didn't want to be...so imagine my relief when the nurse told me that the rule isn't really a rule...it's more of a guideline. Phew! Good to know.

Of course, she did warn me not to go crazy and especially not the night before. I was thinking that was a little obvious...would a chick really think about getting hammered the night before a big surgery? Especially when you have to fast EVERYTHING including liquids for the 12 hours before you go under? I guess you never know with some people!

I'm just glad I can raise a toast...even if it will only be a little one! (: